OCD Everyday

Embracing my current situation, I walk the paved portion of the yard and feel the December Arizona sun warm on my skin. A random selection of my favorite downloaded songs drowns the outside world around me. I am certain to remind myself over and over what lap I am on. I even hold my fingers a certain way, so I do not lose count. I have tried to convince myself to just walk until I do not want to walk anymore, but for some bizarre reason I need to hold myself accountable. I need to be able to measure everything I do. Each song is approximately three and a half minutes long, except “Biggest Part of Me,” which is closer to five. Okay, four songs and “Biggest Part of Me” is 3.5+3.5=7+7=14+5=19. According to the numerous times I have walked and timed my gait, it takes me two and a half minutes per lap. I am on lap seven…seven and a half.

The Prozac has sure helped me control my moods. It is also supposed to control my OCD, which I claim it has, however, as I walk the track and try not to step on the cracks, I realize I still have a long way to go. I cannot wait to get back to my bed and color some squares on my daily habit tracker. Walk, read, journal, brush teeth, pray, write, shower, and eat. A good day is coloring in every square. Even with this no-fail system, I still procrastinate on silly things like emails or meditation. One miss and I feel like a complete failure.

I am terrified of wasting time. Terrified to give up two years of my life and not become a better person. It is hard to just relax and do nothing. I need to read, write, or listen to an educational podcast. I rarely give myself time to put what I learn into practice. Always trying to juggle four or five tasks at a time. Afraid I will not have time to do it all yet occupy myself to the point where I do not really learn anything new. What is most important? What really matters? What will have influence in others’ lives? The more I try to figure these things out and search for answers, I realize I need to meditate intentionally day and night. Listen for the promptings of the spirit and soak in what I am learning and how I can apply it in my daily life.

Even though I am incarcerated, I have found a way to make a schedule and worry about not being able to keep up with my to-do list. In prison! How can one not have enough time in prison? I realized I was in the habit of filling my days with projects, so I felt busy. What I really need to do is find a way to make my time productive. What is most important to me? I decided to make a list and rank these things from highest importance to lowest. Little did I know how hard this task would be. Writing down the things I valued was easy; ranking them was not. This is when I realized I truly do not know who I am. My journey over the next months would tap into all these things.

Today I delve into my experience the last few years and how it led me to find my authentic self. I invite you to join me on this transformative voyage. Let us explore the twists and turns of life’s maze together, celebrating resilience, acceptance, and the beauty of being true to ourselves.