“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
I have always been a spiritual person, but organized religion never appealed to me. Growing up in a religious family and community where over 90% of the people belonged to the same church, I had little exposure to other religions. This limited perspective led to a biased view. In college, a religious studies class further solidified my skepticism towards organized religion, as it delved into the origins and diverse beliefs of various faiths.
Fast forward thirty years, and I found myself incarcerated with women who, by all accounts, should have no interest in religion. The common perception is that prison equates to evil, suggesting a pervasive presence of negativity. However, I was astonished to discover that prison was one of the most spiritual places I had ever been. In a place where hope seemed lost, where lives were disrupted, and where families and friends had often abandoned them, religion provided a beacon of hope.
In prison, no one was judged for reading faith-based books or attending religious services. Whether it was Catholic, Christian, Seventh-day Adventist, or Muslim services, women attended to find solace and hope. For many, God was the only source of hope they had left.
One afternoon, while sitting under a tree, a woman mentioned she was going to Catholic services to partake in communion. This sparked a conversation about our diverse religious beliefs, and someone remarked, “I have never felt the spirit more strongly than I feel it here.” It wasn’t about a specific religion; it was about the freedom to worship in a way that brought hope, without judgment. Watching TBN or spending hours reading scriptures was respected and understood as a necessity during that time in our lives.
I realize that many people leave prison and never attend church or read the Bible again. But for some, the experience is transformative. Their transformation behind prison fences may inspire others, creating a chain of hope that extends beyond the prison walls. Access to a variety of religious materials in prison is as crucial as educational resources. It was the key to my success, and I witnessed its impact on many women. If my life was changed, imagine how many others could be transformed with access to religious materials.
How can we ensure that prisons continue to receive a diverse range of religious materials? Have you ever experienced spiritual influence in an unexpected place?
One morning, I woke up feeling like a shadow of myself. The spark that once lit up my days had dimmed, leaving me feeling like just another face in the crowd. Then, a memory popped up on my Facebook page about signs of depression. To my surprise, every item on the list resonated with me. Was I really going through depression? I didn’t feel sad. I thought I was being optimistic. After all, hadn’t I been cured? Over the next day, I scrutinized every thought and feeling. Yes, I was in an episode of depression.
Understanding My Behavior
Depression doesn’t always look like sadness or isolation. For me, it was the subtle yet destructive habit of pushing people away with curt responses and irritability. I found myself snapping at loved ones and feeling annoyed by the smallest things. I was present, smiling, but not truly listening. Other behaviors that undermined my self-esteem included:
Unhealthy eating habits: Consuming foods that made me feel worse.
Disconnecting from friends and family: Making excuses about being too busy or having nothing to say.
Neglecting activities that are important to me: Writing, organizing, and basic self-care routines.
Reconnecting with My Values
Thinking you have it all figured out doesn’t mean you do. You still need to return to the basics, to the foundational practices that got you where you are. Personally, I need to reassess my values and principles and align my actions with them. They may evolve over time, as life changes. The key is knowing what’s most important to me and living in a way that supports those priorities. Otherwise, I drift away from what matters most, leading me away from my best self until I no longer recognize or love myself when I act against my values and principles.
Focusing on What Matters
I know I can succeed in my relationships with others. I have much to share. I am better than the person I’ve felt and believed myself to be over the past month. It’s time to reconnect with the relationships that matter most to me—my spouse, my family, my friends. These are the things that bring me happiness, not money, possessions, or my status in the workplace.
“Have you ever felt this way? What steps did you take to reconnect with your true self? Share your journey in the comments below.”
Let your work speak for itself. If you have to tell people how hard your worked, you didn’t work hard at all. People with integrity work quietly, do more than they are asked, then give credit to everyone else. They do such a good job they make their job look easy. It is not until someone on the outside tries to fill their shoes that they see how truly difficult this person’s job is. Yet, they never once complained, asked for praise, or took the credit. We also call this humility.
Someone who boasts and brags has nothing to brag about. That is why they have to use words. A successful person doesn’t have to tell the world they are successful. They are confident and satisfied with the accomplishment of reaching their goals. Their goals were set for themselves, not to please others. This is one of the key components to becoming successful. You do it because you love it; you do it because it’s what you want, not what everyone else wants.
In the dance of light and shadow, Emotions swirl, a spectrum vast. Each feeling, a guide, a gentle echo, Teaching lessons from the past. The mirror of our soul reflects, A journey through the night and day. In moments of quiet introspect, Wisdom whispers, lighting the way. With every challenge, a new seed sown, In the garden of experience, we find our might. Resilience blooms, and strength is grown, Guiding us from darkness to light. Vulnerability, a bridge of trust, Uniting hearts in shared endeavor. Today’s choices, honest and just, Craft a future, better than ever. So ask each morn, with intention clear, “What will make today truly great?” Small actions, love, a moment to cheer, Building a tomorrow we create.”
Embracing the Full Spectrum of Emotions
In the pursuit of personal growth, I’ve come to understand the importance of embracing the full spectrum of my emotions. Negative feelings, often shunned and feared, hold a mirror to our deepest insecurities and regrets. Yet, it is within these dark reflections that we find the most profound opportunities for growth. Acknowledging shame and embarrassment over past actions is not an act of self-condemnation but a courageous step towards self-awareness. These emotions are not permanent markers of identity but transient teachers guiding us towards better choices.
The Past as a Lesson, Not a Life Sentence
The past, with its myriad of mistakes, is not a life sentence but a lesson etched in the annals of time. It shapes us but does not define us. Each day, I stand at the helm of my destiny, steering away from the shadows of yesterday towards the light of a new dawn. As an honest, law-abiding citizen, I contribute positively to society, weaving the fabric of a community that thrives on mutual respect and support.
Learning and Growing Through Life’s Challenges
Life is an unending lesson, and I am its diligent student. With each challenge comes a new chapter of knowledge, and with each setback, a test of resilience. I am equipped with tools forged in the fires of experience and tempered by the wisdom of introspection. The tough days that loom ahead are not insurmountable obstacles but stepping stones on the path to becoming a better version of myself.
The Power of Vulnerability and Trust
Honesty is the cornerstone of my journey. Sharing my fears, hopes, and accomplishments with loved ones is an act of vulnerability that strengthens the bonds of trust. It is in these shared experiences that I find the strength to make good decisions. The future, often a source of anxiety, is a canvas waiting for the brushstrokes of today’s choices. By focusing on the present and taking life one day, one decision at a time, I build a resilient foundation for whatever tomorrow may bring.
Crafting a Great Today for a Better Tomorrow
Each morning, I ask myself, “What will make today great?” The answer lies in the small, purposeful actions that lay the groundwork for a better future. Whether it’s a kind gesture, a learned skill, or a moment of gratitude, these are the bricks that construct a life of fulfillment and joy. Today, I choose to act with intention, knowing that the seeds I plant now will blossom into the achievements of my future.
Embracing my current situation, I walk the paved portion of the yard and feel the December Arizona sun warm on my skin. A random selection of my favorite downloaded songs drowns the outside world around me. I am certain to remind myself over and over what lap I am on. I even hold my fingers a certain way, so I do not lose count. I have tried to convince myself to just walk until I do not want to walk anymore, but for some bizarre reason I need to hold myself accountable. I need to be able to measure everything I do. Each song is approximately three and a half minutes long, except “Biggest Part of Me,” which is closer to five. Okay, four songs and “Biggest Part of Me” is 3.5+3.5=7+7=14+5=19. According to the numerous times I have walked and timed my gait, it takes me two and a half minutes per lap. I am on lap seven…seven and a half.
The Prozac has sure helped me control my moods. It is also supposed to control my OCD, which I claim it has, however, as I walk the track and try not to step on the cracks, I realize I still have a long way to go. I cannot wait to get back to my bed and color some squares on my daily habit tracker. Walk, read, journal, brush teeth, pray, write, shower, and eat. A good day is coloring in every square. Even with this no-fail system, I still procrastinate on silly things like emails or meditation. One miss and I feel like a complete failure.
I am terrified of wasting time. Terrified to give up two years of my life and not become a better person. It is hard to just relax and do nothing. I need to read, write, or listen to an educational podcast. I rarely give myself time to put what I learn into practice. Always trying to juggle four or five tasks at a time. Afraid I will not have time to do it all yet occupy myself to the point where I do not really learn anything new. What is most important? What really matters? What will have influence in others’ lives? The more I try to figure these things out and search for answers, I realize I need to meditate intentionally day and night. Listen for the promptings of the spirit and soak in what I am learning and how I can apply it in my daily life.
Even though I am incarcerated, I have found a way to make a schedule and worry about not being able to keep up with my to-do list. In prison! How can one not have enough time in prison? I realized I was in the habit of filling my days with projects, so I felt busy. What I really need to do is find a way to make my time productive. What is most important to me? I decided to make a list and rank these things from highest importance to lowest. Little did I know how hard this task would be. Writing down the things I valued was easy; ranking them was not. This is when I realized I truly do not know who I am. My journey over the next months would tap into all these things.
Today I delve into my experience the last few years and how it led me to find my authentic self. I invite you to join me on this transformative voyage. Let us explore the twists and turns of life’s maze together, celebrating resilience, acceptance, and the beauty of being true to ourselves.
“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.” – John Homer Miller
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