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Scars

The other day, I was listening to random songs on a music streaming app when a familiar one came on. As I sang along, I paid closer attention to the lyrics — being present is my new thing, after all. One line caught me: “I got a scar I can talk about.”

That lyric made me think about my own scars. First the physical ones, then the mental ones, and finally the life moments that have shaped me into someone different than I was before.

Physical Scars

I’ve only had two surgeries in my life: an appendectomy and bunion surgery. Both scars have healed, but every time I see them, I’m reminded of the pain before, the pain after, and how necessary those difficult days were to reach the comfort I feel now. They’re small reminders that healing hurts — but it’s worth it.

Mental Scars

I’ve had a pretty darn good life. I grew up in a loving, close family. I’ve always had friends. I was raised with warmth and support. But even with a good life, certain moments leave marks.

One of my earliest mental scars came from a friend who told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore — for no reason at all. It took me forty years to understand that her actions had nothing to do with me. People don’t intentionally exclude me. How others treat you and what they say about you is a reflection of them, not you.

Another scar came from a relationship that made me feel like I was losing my mind. I became convinced I wasn’t normal, that something was wrong with me. I wanted so badly to be “normal” — to communicate well, to live without constant stress. In my search for clarity, I went to therapy. One day my therapist said, “There is nothing wrong with you. You are the most normal patient I have ever had.”

WOW.
You mean I’m not the angry one?
I’m not the one who can’t communicate?
That relationships aren’t 50/50 — they’re 100/100?

A few days later, I was being yelled at for being angry when I hadn’t expressed any emotion at all. I mentally stepped outside the moment, watching it like a fly on the wall. He was telling me how I felt — but how could he know? I was the only one who could name my feelings. And in that moment, I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t upset. I was calm.

Yet there he was, red-faced, nearly exploding, desperate to provoke a reaction.

From that moment on, no one gets to tell me how I feel.

Life-Changing Moments

Have you ever been told you’re not the same person you used to be? Have you ever felt it yourself?

In my early thirties, a friend moved in with me for a few months. She was an alcoholic. I had never lived with someone struggling like that. Watching her destructive behavior changed me. I remember sitting on my back porch wondering why I felt different — why I wasn’t as happy or giggly anymore. Seeing my best friend nearly kill herself forced me to grow up fast.

The next life-changing moment happened four years ago today. I had woven myself into so many lies and dug myself into so many holes that I finally hit rock bottom. At the time, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. I fantasized about my death and how people would react. But then I realized I would cause far more pain by leaving than by facing my demons and accepting the consequences I deserved.

So I made a commitment:
To start over.
To be 100% true to myself and to everyone around me.

I read over 200 books. I studied religious books. I watched people transform their lives and become honest with themselves. And I followed that path.

tRUE

The word tRUE became my motto — a blend of true and rue.

  • True: Something that matches reality; genuine, accurate, loyal.
  • Rue: To feel sorrow, remorse, or regret about an action.

Because I felt deep remorse for my past actions, I promised myself I would be real and genuine moving forward.

And I have kept that promise.

I am not the same person I was four years ago — thank goodness. During the hardest two and a half years, I kept daily journals. I still reread them to remind myself of my struggles and my growth. Every action I’ve taken since then has been intentional. I understand the consequences of my choices. I allow myself to be different from others. I allow myself to be imperfect.

And I have never been happier being 100% tRUE.

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Transform Your Life: Simplify, Plan, and Stay Motivated

The Nature of Passion: Embrace Change

When I was younger, I was passionate about Snoopy. Today, I’m indifferent and no longer desire to collect Snoopy memorabilia. Back then, I might have been known as “the girl who collects Snoopy memorabilia.” Now, my activities have changed. You are not defined by what you choose to do; you are defined by the effort you put into those activities. Passion is key to success in anything you pursue.

Time for a Fresh Start?

I love mornings, Mondays, new months, and new years. Each new beginning excites me with the possibility of changing my life’s direction. Monthly, I create new habit trackers, to-do lists, and goal lists. While I was incarcerated, I realized I needed to change my daily routine monthly to stay motivated and avoid boredom. Some habits remain consistent, but I generally create a new routine every month or two.

In my early twenties, moving to a new place was an opportunity to reset my life. I would clean out my closet, discard unused items, and create new routines. Today, moving is the last thing I want to do. Instead, I change my routine, deep clean, and organize my space to satisfy my need for novelty.

Finding Joy in Movement

I love walking outside in new places, enjoying nature, nice neighborhoods, and getting lost in the beauty around me. I hate walking on a treadmill—it bores me quickly, and my OCD kicks in as I obsess over tracking my time, distance, and calories burned. What changes do you need to guarantee success in your life?

For me, I dress in my workout clothes first thing in the morning, pack my work clothes, makeup, hair tools, breakfast, and lunch in my gym bag, and hit the gym at 5:30 am. This routine ensures I get my workout done and prevents me from spending money on unhealthy convenience store foods.

Planning Meals for Success

Another habit I practice is weekly meal planning. I plan at least five meals and shop for groceries on Sunday or Monday, so I know what we’ll be eating each evening. Waking up early allows me to prepare ingredients, ensuring I don’t get lazy and back out of making dinner. This habit has saved me and my partner from eating out or grabbing fast food countless times.

Making Discipline Easy

Discipline alone doesn’t work; you need to make tasks easy to accomplish. For instance, if all the ingredients for dinner are bought, cut, thawed, and ready to cook, you’re more likely to stick to your dinner plans because it’s easier.

I struggle to sit at my desk and work on my book. I’ve found that a cute coffee shop, library, or other inspiring location helps me get excited about writing. It gives me an excuse to get out of the house and experience new places while making progress on my book.

Simplify Your Goals

  1. Lose Weight – Buy fun, healthy foods. Shop at a new grocery store. Find easy, new recipes you want to try.
  2. Exercise – Make morning gym visits easy. Pack your bag and lay out clothes the night before. Explore new locations, take dogs to the dog park, choose a new trail weekly, walk while golfing, or stroll in a beautiful neighborhood.
  3. Write a Book – Plan inspiring places to write that get you out of the house and keep you motivated.

Show Up Where the Work Gets Done!

Run experiments. Try a library, coffee shop, park, or gym. Don’t be afraid to change and experiment often. I know I need new experiences to stay motivated.

Schedule Your Goals

Have time, location, start time, and stop time scheduled before you start. Leverage your goals by marking them on the calendar. Can you overlap two goals to get both done simultaneously? For example, take your dogs to the dog park and walk with them.

I would love to hear about your hacks around simplifying tasks and leveraging new experiences.

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Reflections on Entitlement

Throughout my time in prison, I felt entitled to various things:

  • A bottom bunk
  • Being first in line
  • Better food
  • A specific shower stall
  • Space on the track to exercise
  • Room in my cubicle
  • Seeing my family
  • Holding my grandson
  • Access to phones
  • A better job
  • Better pay
  • A commuted sentence
  • More compassion
  • More praise
  • A window seat on the van
  • Medicine
  • A clean blanket
  • A specific bathroom stall and sink
  • Cleaning supplies
  • Leftover cookies in work lunch sacks

Why did I feel this way? Perhaps because I believed I wasn’t as bad as others or had worked harder. My education and socio-economic status made me feel superior. But in reality, I am no more entitled than anyone else. If I got a bottom bunk, someone else would still be on a top bunk. Why should I deserve it over them? I’ve never experienced a top bunk, and they might have been here longer than I have.

I want to learn humility. I want to willingly give up my privileges so others can experience the benefits I’ve always had. I aspire to be the person who lets others go first and takes the last spot. I want to find joy in being last, in giving someone else my last cookie or that piece of cake I really wanted. I can step aside, let someone go ahead of me in line. Offering isn’t being taken advantage of; it’s an act of generosity. I can give and still maintain my boundaries.

How important are these things today? My place in the She-Shack, my spot in the lunch line, which shower I get, sharing a 6×4 cubicle with an untidy person. The truth is, they are zero percent important. Tomorrow, you’ll feel the same about the things you give up today.

Looking back, I feel a deep sense of embarrassment over these entitlements. It’s humbling to realize how trivial and self-centered my demands were, especially when compared to the genuine needs of others. This reflection has taught me that true value lies not in what we claim for ourselves, but in what we willingly give up for the benefit of others.

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The Most Important Decision I Ever Made

I had lost the career I spent thirty years building. My reputation was in tatters. I had lost control of my life and hit rock bottom. As I sat contemplating my next steps, a sense of comfort washed over me. Raised in a religious family, I had good values instilled in me from an early age. Although I wasn’t a fan of organized religion, I knew God existed and believed Jesus Christ was my Savior, and at that moment I needed Him in my life. Could I build a relationship with Him without attending church?

I knelt down and prayed – something I had not done in years. With tears streaming down my face, I asked for help in learning to become a better person, and most importantly, seeking forgiveness. I promised to learn all I could and do my best to live a life aligned with the values I believed in. I vowed to be honest in all my words and actions from that moment forward.

It took months before I felt forgiven, but I knew I would be okay. I was no longer anxious about my future. I knew God had a plan for me. My mission on earth might be the people I meet in prison, it might be those following my story on the outside, or it might be collaborating with people I haven’t even met yet. One thing was certain: I was going to make the best use of my time. I would read, write, and learn as much as I could.

Over the next two years, I read more than 200 books, including the Bible and the Book of Mormon twice. I lost forty pounds, wrote thousands of pages of manuscript, brushed up on my French, and even memorized all the metric conversions. But most importantly, I became a better person. I discovered what truly mattered to me – my values. I learned to listen, put others first, be humble, serve others, control my emotions, and seek forgiveness. I even learned to be the first to apologize – without caring who was to blame. My mantra became, “It is not who you are, it is who you become.” We will never be perfect in this mortal life, but we can learn from our mistakes and become better human beings.