Tag: life

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Scars

The other day, I was listening to random songs on a music streaming app when a familiar one came on. As I sang along, I paid closer attention to the lyrics — being present is my new thing, after all. One line caught me: “I got a scar I can talk about.”

That lyric made me think about my own scars. First the physical ones, then the mental ones, and finally the life moments that have shaped me into someone different than I was before.

Physical Scars

I’ve only had two surgeries in my life: an appendectomy and bunion surgery. Both scars have healed, but every time I see them, I’m reminded of the pain before, the pain after, and how necessary those difficult days were to reach the comfort I feel now. They’re small reminders that healing hurts — but it’s worth it.

Mental Scars

I’ve had a pretty darn good life. I grew up in a loving, close family. I’ve always had friends. I was raised with warmth and support. But even with a good life, certain moments leave marks.

One of my earliest mental scars came from a friend who told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore — for no reason at all. It took me forty years to understand that her actions had nothing to do with me. People don’t intentionally exclude me. How others treat you and what they say about you is a reflection of them, not you.

Another scar came from a relationship that made me feel like I was losing my mind. I became convinced I wasn’t normal, that something was wrong with me. I wanted so badly to be “normal” — to communicate well, to live without constant stress. In my search for clarity, I went to therapy. One day my therapist said, “There is nothing wrong with you. You are the most normal patient I have ever had.”

WOW.
You mean I’m not the angry one?
I’m not the one who can’t communicate?
That relationships aren’t 50/50 — they’re 100/100?

A few days later, I was being yelled at for being angry when I hadn’t expressed any emotion at all. I mentally stepped outside the moment, watching it like a fly on the wall. He was telling me how I felt — but how could he know? I was the only one who could name my feelings. And in that moment, I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t upset. I was calm.

Yet there he was, red-faced, nearly exploding, desperate to provoke a reaction.

From that moment on, no one gets to tell me how I feel.

Life-Changing Moments

Have you ever been told you’re not the same person you used to be? Have you ever felt it yourself?

In my early thirties, a friend moved in with me for a few months. She was an alcoholic. I had never lived with someone struggling like that. Watching her destructive behavior changed me. I remember sitting on my back porch wondering why I felt different — why I wasn’t as happy or giggly anymore. Seeing my best friend nearly kill herself forced me to grow up fast.

The next life-changing moment happened four years ago today. I had woven myself into so many lies and dug myself into so many holes that I finally hit rock bottom. At the time, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. I fantasized about my death and how people would react. But then I realized I would cause far more pain by leaving than by facing my demons and accepting the consequences I deserved.

So I made a commitment:
To start over.
To be 100% true to myself and to everyone around me.

I read over 200 books. I studied religious books. I watched people transform their lives and become honest with themselves. And I followed that path.

tRUE

The word tRUE became my motto — a blend of true and rue.

  • True: Something that matches reality; genuine, accurate, loyal.
  • Rue: To feel sorrow, remorse, or regret about an action.

Because I felt deep remorse for my past actions, I promised myself I would be real and genuine moving forward.

And I have kept that promise.

I am not the same person I was four years ago — thank goodness. During the hardest two and a half years, I kept daily journals. I still reread them to remind myself of my struggles and my growth. Every action I’ve taken since then has been intentional. I understand the consequences of my choices. I allow myself to be different from others. I allow myself to be imperfect.

And I have never been happier being 100% tRUE.

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The Criteria to Making Good Choices

Success, in its truest sense, is not a matter of luck or mere circumstance—it is the culmination of the choices we make, day in and day out. Each decision is a thread that weaves into the tapestry of our lives, shaping our actions and, ultimately, our results. Yet, despite this fundamental truth, we often find ourselves grappling with less-than-optimal choices, wondering why our intentions and our actions fail to align. To answer this, we must dig beneath the surface, exploring the biases, influences, and inner narratives that subtly steer us away from our best interests. The journey to making good choices is both an art and a science—one that requires self-awareness, discipline, and an ongoing commitment to personal growth.

The Foundations of Choice

At its core, every choice is an intersection of opportunity and intention. We are presented with countless decisions daily, from the trivial—what to eat for breakfast—to the profound—whom to trust, which career path to pursue, or what values to uphold. The results of these choices, compounded over time, form the architecture of our lives. It is often said, “We are what we repeatedly do”; perhaps more accurately, we are what we repeatedly choose.

But why don’t we always make the choices that serve us best? To answer this, we must first understand the three pillars that underlie every good decision: awareness, discipline, and alignment.

1. Awareness: The Power of Conscious Choice

Good choices begin with awareness. This is not mere knowledge of the options before us, but a heightened consciousness of ourselves—our motives, beliefs, and the stories we tell ourselves. Without awareness, we operate on autopilot, letting habits, impulses, and unconscious biases dictate our actions.

  • Conscious Decision-Making: Make an effort to pause and examine the motives behind your decisions. Ask yourself, “Why am I making this choice? What is driving me?”
  • Upgrading Identity and Belief Systems: Our choices are only as good as our self-perception permits. If we see ourselves as unworthy, incapable, or stuck in old narratives (“I always fail at this,” “I’m not good with money,” etc.), our decisions will mirror these limiting beliefs. The path to better choices, then, often begins with rewriting our internal scripts. Cultivate a growth mindset and reinforce positive self-beliefs.
  • Recognizing Biases and Influences: We are influenced by cognitive biases—confirmation bias, anchoring, loss aversion, and more—that distort our view of reality. Social pressures, cultural norms, and even fatigue can cloud our judgment. Becoming aware of these forces arms us with the power to question them and choose more wisely.

Awareness is an ongoing practice. Journaling, mindfulness meditation, and honest self-reflection are invaluable tools for cultivating it. By regularly examining both our motivations and the external influences at play, we increase the odds of making choices that are authentically ours.

2. Discipline: Bridging the Gap Between Knowing and Doing

Often, the trouble is not that we lack knowledge of the right choice, but that we lack the will to act on it. This is where discipline comes in. Discipline is the bridge between intention and action—the force that compels us to act in accordance with our highest values, even when motivation wanes.

  • Managing Physical State: Our bodies are the vehicles through which choices are enacted. When we are tired, malnourished, or physically depleted, our willpower is compromised. Prioritizing sleep, nutrition, exercise, and rest creates a foundation for better decision-making.
  • Caring for Emotional Well-Being: Emotional neglect erodes discipline. If we are stressed, anxious, or emotionally exhausted, we are more likely to reach for comfort in the form of easy, short-term choices. Regular emotional check-ins, social connection, and, when needed, professional support, are critical for sustaining discipline.
  • Building Habits and Routines: Discipline is easier when good choices are habitual. Ritualize the actions that serve you—set specific times for exercise, meal preparation, or focused work sessions. Habits automate discipline, reducing the mental energy required to make each decision.

Discipline does not mean living a life devoid of pleasure or spontaneity. Instead, it is about aligning your actions with your long-term goals, even—and especially—when it is inconvenient.

3. Alignment: Ensuring Choices Reflect Values and Priorities

Good choices are not made in a vacuum. They spring from the soil of our values and priorities. When our decisions are out of sync with what truly matters to us, we experience inner conflict and dissatisfaction.

  • Clarify Your Values: Take time to identify what is most important to you. Is it health? Connection? Creativity? Security? Once your values are clear, use them as a compass for your decisions.
  • Set Clear Goals: Good choices are made easier when you have defined targets. Break down big goals into actionable steps, and measure your choices against these benchmarks.
  • Anticipate Trade-Offs: Every choice involves a trade-off. By weighing the pros and cons, and considering both short-term and long-term consequences, you can make decisions that truly serve your best interests.

Alignment is the harmony between your internal world (values, beliefs) and your external actions. When the two are synchronized, your choices become powerful vehicles for personal fulfillment and success.

Overcoming Obstacles to Good Choices

Even with awareness, discipline, and alignment, we encounter obstacles on the path to good choices. These can include:

  • Decision Fatigue: The more choices we make, the more our ability to make optimal decisions erodes. Simplify your environment by automating trivial decisions, delegating where possible, and focusing your energy on what matters most.
  • Fear of Regret or Failure: The anxiety of making the “wrong” choice can lead to paralysis. Remind yourself that very few choices are truly irreversible. Embrace experimentation, learn from setbacks, and view every decision as a chance to grow.
  • Perfectionism: Waiting for the perfect option often leads to inaction. Instead, aim for progress, not perfection. Sometimes, a good-enough choice, made in a timely manner, is far better than the elusive perfect one made too late.

Practical Tools for Better Decision-Making

To consistently make good choices, integrate these practical strategies into your daily life:

  • The Pause Principle: Before making a significant choice, pause. Take a breath, reflect, and resist the urge to react impulsively. This brief moment of mindfulness can prevent countless regrets.
  • Pros and Cons List: A classic tool, listing the advantages and disadvantages of each option can clarify complex decisions.
  • Seek Diverse Perspectives: Consult with trusted friends, mentors, or professionals. Others can spot blind spots and biases you may have missed.
  • Visualize Outcomes: Imagine the possible consequences of each choice—how will you feel tomorrow, in a week, or a year from now? This future perspective can often highlight the wisest path.
  • Commit to Continuous Learning: Every choice is an opportunity to learn. Reflect on outcomes, adjust your approach, and celebrate both your successes and your growth.

The Journey of Choosing Well

Making good choices is a lifelong journey, not a destination. It is a practice refined by experience, reflection, and the courage to face ourselves honestly. When we nurture awareness, cultivate discipline, and align our choices with our truest values, we transform the ordinary act of choosing into an extraordinary force for success and fulfillment.

Remember, the quality of your life is determined not by the few dramatic decisions you make, but by the thousands of small, everyday choices. Make each one count, and success will follow as the natural product of those daily decisions.