Tag: #selfacceptance

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Scars

The other day, I was listening to random songs on a music streaming app when a familiar one came on. As I sang along, I paid closer attention to the lyrics — being present is my new thing, after all. One line caught me: “I got a scar I can talk about.”

That lyric made me think about my own scars. First the physical ones, then the mental ones, and finally the life moments that have shaped me into someone different than I was before.

Physical Scars

I’ve only had two surgeries in my life: an appendectomy and bunion surgery. Both scars have healed, but every time I see them, I’m reminded of the pain before, the pain after, and how necessary those difficult days were to reach the comfort I feel now. They’re small reminders that healing hurts — but it’s worth it.

Mental Scars

I’ve had a pretty darn good life. I grew up in a loving, close family. I’ve always had friends. I was raised with warmth and support. But even with a good life, certain moments leave marks.

One of my earliest mental scars came from a friend who told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore — for no reason at all. It took me forty years to understand that her actions had nothing to do with me. People don’t intentionally exclude me. How others treat you and what they say about you is a reflection of them, not you.

Another scar came from a relationship that made me feel like I was losing my mind. I became convinced I wasn’t normal, that something was wrong with me. I wanted so badly to be “normal” — to communicate well, to live without constant stress. In my search for clarity, I went to therapy. One day my therapist said, “There is nothing wrong with you. You are the most normal patient I have ever had.”

WOW.
You mean I’m not the angry one?
I’m not the one who can’t communicate?
That relationships aren’t 50/50 — they’re 100/100?

A few days later, I was being yelled at for being angry when I hadn’t expressed any emotion at all. I mentally stepped outside the moment, watching it like a fly on the wall. He was telling me how I felt — but how could he know? I was the only one who could name my feelings. And in that moment, I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t upset. I was calm.

Yet there he was, red-faced, nearly exploding, desperate to provoke a reaction.

From that moment on, no one gets to tell me how I feel.

Life-Changing Moments

Have you ever been told you’re not the same person you used to be? Have you ever felt it yourself?

In my early thirties, a friend moved in with me for a few months. She was an alcoholic. I had never lived with someone struggling like that. Watching her destructive behavior changed me. I remember sitting on my back porch wondering why I felt different — why I wasn’t as happy or giggly anymore. Seeing my best friend nearly kill herself forced me to grow up fast.

The next life-changing moment happened four years ago today. I had woven myself into so many lies and dug myself into so many holes that I finally hit rock bottom. At the time, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. I fantasized about my death and how people would react. But then I realized I would cause far more pain by leaving than by facing my demons and accepting the consequences I deserved.

So I made a commitment:
To start over.
To be 100% true to myself and to everyone around me.

I read over 200 books. I studied religious books. I watched people transform their lives and become honest with themselves. And I followed that path.

tRUE

The word tRUE became my motto — a blend of true and rue.

  • True: Something that matches reality; genuine, accurate, loyal.
  • Rue: To feel sorrow, remorse, or regret about an action.

Because I felt deep remorse for my past actions, I promised myself I would be real and genuine moving forward.

And I have kept that promise.

I am not the same person I was four years ago — thank goodness. During the hardest two and a half years, I kept daily journals. I still reread them to remind myself of my struggles and my growth. Every action I’ve taken since then has been intentional. I understand the consequences of my choices. I allow myself to be different from others. I allow myself to be imperfect.

And I have never been happier being 100% tRUE.

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Understanding Vanity, Ego, and Genuine Self-Acceptance 

Stepping outside, I am greeted by the unmistakable sound of a middle-aged woman singing karaoke in her garage across the street. Her voice echoes through the neighborhood, and I can’t help but wonder if she realizes how far her performance carries. Does she know the entire block can hear her? Perhaps she believes she has real talent; after all, don’t we all tend to overestimate our own abilities? 

We often claim to be humble, yet secretly, we are convinced that others are constantly talking about us. There is a persistent belief that everyone cares deeply about our appearance at any given moment. The reality, however, is much different: people are primarily concerned with themselves. Our egos drive us to think we are the center of attention, reminiscent of the famous song lyric, “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.” 

It’s almost comical how we imagine that every person in the grocery store is waiting for us to arrive, eager to see our outfit and how we styled our hair and makeup. We act as if we are the reason everyone else decided to get out of bed that morning. This mindset is clearly unrealistic, yet it persists. 

Reflecting on childhood, it becomes apparent that our priorities were once different. Comfort was paramount; the only concern about an outfit was whether it allowed us to climb the jungle gym or jump rope with ease. At some point, though, we are taught to become more self-conscious, convinced that we are on a pedestal and everyone is watching, judging what we wear, say, and do. 

Unless we are professional athletes or movie stars, the truth is that most people do not care about us or our choices. This begs the question: why do we care so much about celebrities? Perhaps it is because we compare ourselves to them, building them up only to tear them down. By highlighting their flaws, we make ourselves feel better, forgetting that their success is the result of hard work and determination—qualities we may not have been willing to pursue ourselves. 

Yet, beneath this fascination with others, there lies a missed opportunity to redirect our attention inward and cultivate genuine self-acceptance. Instead of fixating on the perceived gaze of the world or the exploits of distant celebrities, we might find greater peace by embracing our own quirks and imperfections. Imagine the freedom in living authentically, without the weight of imagined scrutiny or the urge to measure up to standards set by strangers. In learning to release these self-imposed expectations, we open space for more meaningful connections—with ourselves and those around us—rooted not in comparison, but in understanding and appreciation. 

By letting go of the illusion that we are constantly under a spotlight, we start to recognize the value of quieter moments and the richness of everyday experiences. The truth is, when we release the pressure to perform for an imaginary audience, we grant ourselves permission to make choices that are true to our desires rather than dictated by external expectation. In this space, self-worth becomes less about comparison and more about authenticity, allowing us to nurture a confidence that isn’t dependent on fleeting validation but is rooted in genuine self-respect and personal growth. 

Embracing Authenticity 

In recent months, I have made a conscious effort to apply these reflections to my own life. Choosing to let go of the pressure to conform to others’ expectations has been an incredibly liberating experience. This newfound freedom has allowed me to focus more deeply on the person I truly want to become, rather than shaping myself according to what others might desire or expect from me. By centering my actions and self-perception on my own values, I am gradually discovering a more genuine sense of self and purpose. 

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Year 2: The Path to My Authentic Self

Over the past year, I have documented my journey from a low point to discovering a brighter future. While my story may not be miraculous, it is sincere and intended to inspire others to persevere, even when the end seems out of reach.

As I conclude the first year of sharing my experiences, I am committed to maintaining authenticity with myself and my audience. It is crucial for my readers to understand that their struggles do not define them negatively as individuals. Most importantly, I want people to recognize that each day presents a new opportunity for change. Regardless of one’s circumstances, transformation is possible. I have witnessed individuals transition from incarceration and homelessness to homeownership. Though it may seem implausible, there are countless stories of remarkable personal turnarounds. I aspire to be one of those stories. By sharing my journey, along with the courageous stories of those I have met along the way, I aim to encourage others to embrace their true selves as I navigate the challenges of transitioning from inauthenticity to self-acceptance.

I invite you to join me as I embark on the second year of what I consider an extraordinary life.

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Self Love

For years, I battled an invisible enemy: my own reflection. Each glance in the mirror shattered the image of the flawless, movie-ready persona I’d painstakingly constructed in my mind. This fictional version of myself—a tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty with effortlessly perfect hair—was my armor. Confronting my true self threatened to erode the fragile confidence I projected to the world. 

In reality, I was a tall woman with big bones and big breasts, hazel eyes, and dirty blonde frizzy hair that refused to cooperate. My fingernails were thin and weak, my wide feet bore the scars of broken pinky toes, and my round face boasted “chipmunk” cheeks.

My nose, though average, always seemed just a bit too large. Despite being underweight at times, my stomach muscles remained elusive, and my style—a mishmash of Gap sale items and occasional splurges from Nordstrom—never felt truly mine. 

Caught between wanting to be a girly-girl and rejecting the tomboy label, I longed to be anyone but myself. I yearned to be shorter, thinner, prettier, classier, petite, and naturally beautiful. Yet, the only thing I could control was my demeanor, and even that felt like a lie. How could I learn to love and accept myself when I couldn’t even bear to look in the mirror? What did others see that I couldn’t? And why was I so terrified of facing the truth? 

The turning point came one bleak winter evening. After an exhausting day at work, I collapsed onto my couch, scrolling aimlessly through social media. Picture after picture showcased lives that seemed perfect—vacations in exotic locations, radiant smiles, flawless bodies. Each post was a painful reminder of what I wasn’t. My chest tightened, and tears welled up in my eyes. 

In the depths of my despair, a thought pierced through the fog of self-loathing: What if I tried to see myself through someone else’s eyes? What if I could capture even a glimpse of the value others might see in me? 

With a surge of determination, I picked up my phone and called my best friend, Lucy. As soon as she answered, I poured out my heart, revealing the insecurities and self-doubt that had plagued me for so long. There was a moment of silence on the other end before she spoke with surprising gentleness. 

“You’re not alone in feeling this way,” Lucy said. “But you need to understand that we love you for who you are, not who you think you should be. You have a heart that’s big enough to hold all our secrets, a laugh that lights up the room, and a strength that inspires us every day.” 

Her words hung in the air, and for the first time, I let them sink in. Maybe, just maybe, there was a different narrative I could embrace—one that didn’t require perfection but celebrated authenticity. 

Over the next few months, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. It wasn’t easy. There were days when the mirror was still my enemy, and the old doubts crept back in. But I started to make small changes: I practiced gratitude, focusing on the things I appreciated about myself and my life. I surrounded myself with people who uplifted me and made me feel valued. I sought out activities that brought me joy, rather than those I felt I should enjoy to fit a certain mold. 

Slowly, the fictional character I’d created in my mind began to fade, replaced by a more genuine version of myself. I learned to love the things that made me unique—the quirks, the flaws, and the strengths. The mirror no longer held power over me; it became a reflection of the journey I’d undertaken. 

In time, I came to realize that self-love isn’t about achieving a perfect image. It’s about accepting and cherishing who you are, both inside and out. And as I stood in front of the mirror, I smiled—not because I saw a flawless figure, but because I saw someone who was learning to love herself, one day at a time. 

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Self-Discovery: Embracing My Unique Journey

It’s curious, isn’t it, how we often cast judgments on others, despite our own imperfections? Perhaps it’s an attempt to define ourselves by contrasting with those around us. Yet, this approach is flawed, for each of us is distinct, and no two paths in life are the same. My life is not a mirror of the girl living across the street; our journeys are separate, our experiences uniquely our own. Why then should I absorb her life’s moments instead of savoring the richness of my own, experienced through my own senses? The world I perceive is exclusively mine, a legacy I can enhance for future generations by cultivating new beauty for them to discover. These sanctuaries offer solace and splendor amidst life’s tumult.

The pursuit of understanding others can be an exhaustive endeavor, one that diverts energy from a more worthy quest: self-discovery. When the urge to judge arises, I’ll redirect my inquiry inward, exploring why the traits of a stranger resonate so deeply with me. Ultimately, it may reveal a yearning to understand myself. It’s time to let others be, to appreciate their inherent, divine uniqueness.

By noting moments of judgment and turning the lens on myself, I might just uncover the fascinating person within. I’ll invite her along for life’s ride, to experience the world through her own eyes, rather than vicariously through the perspectives of others. Let’s embrace our individuality and embark on a journey of self-exploration and authenticity.

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Learning From Past Mistakes

In the dance of light and shadow,
Emotions swirl, a spectrum vast.
Each feeling, a guide, a gentle echo,
Teaching lessons from the past.
 
The mirror of our soul reflects,
A journey through the night and day.
In moments of quiet introspect,
Wisdom whispers, lighting the way.
 
With every challenge, a new seed sown,
In the garden of experience, we find our might.
Resilience blooms, and strength is grown,
Guiding us from darkness to light.
 
Vulnerability, a bridge of trust,
Uniting hearts in shared endeavor.
Today’s choices, honest and just,
Craft a future, better than ever.
 
So ask each morn, with intention clear,
“What will make today truly great?”
Small actions, love, a moment to cheer,
Building a tomorrow we create.”

Embracing the Full Spectrum of Emotions

In the pursuit of personal growth, I’ve come to understand the importance of embracing the full spectrum of my emotions. Negative feelings, often shunned and feared, hold a mirror to our deepest insecurities and regrets. Yet, it is within these dark reflections that we find the most profound opportunities for growth. Acknowledging shame and embarrassment over past actions is not an act of self-condemnation but a courageous step towards self-awareness. These emotions are not permanent markers of identity but transient teachers guiding us towards better choices.

The Past as a Lesson, Not a Life Sentence

The past, with its myriad of mistakes, is not a life sentence but a lesson etched in the annals of time. It shapes us but does not define us. Each day, I stand at the helm of my destiny, steering away from the shadows of yesterday towards the light of a new dawn. As an honest, law-abiding citizen, I contribute positively to society, weaving the fabric of a community that thrives on mutual respect and support.

Learning and Growing Through Life’s Challenges

Life is an unending lesson, and I am its diligent student. With each challenge comes a new chapter of knowledge, and with each setback, a test of resilience. I am equipped with tools forged in the fires of experience and tempered by the wisdom of introspection. The tough days that loom ahead are not insurmountable obstacles but stepping stones on the path to becoming a better version of myself.

The Power of Vulnerability and Trust

Honesty is the cornerstone of my journey. Sharing my fears, hopes, and accomplishments with loved ones is an act of vulnerability that strengthens the bonds of trust. It is in these shared experiences that I find the strength to make good decisions. The future, often a source of anxiety, is a canvas waiting for the brushstrokes of today’s choices. By focusing on the present and taking life one day, one decision at a time, I build a resilient foundation for whatever tomorrow may bring.

Crafting a Great Today for a Better Tomorrow

Each morning, I ask myself, “What will make today great?” The answer lies in the small, purposeful actions that lay the groundwork for a better future. Whether it’s a kind gesture, a learned skill, or a moment of gratitude, these are the bricks that construct a life of fulfillment and joy. Today, I choose to act with intention, knowing that the seeds I plant now will blossom into the achievements of my future.

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A Transformative Journey

Enveloped in a profound experience, I was surrounded by women who once felt broken but are now rewriting their narratives. Where shadows once lingered, hope now shines brightly. The magnitude of transformation within each individual is nothing short of miraculous.

Betsy’s metamorphosis was remarkable. Initially perceived as shy and peculiar, she blossomed into a beacon of kindness and joy. Her humor, distinct and endearing, won the hearts of all. She vowed to fortify herself physically and mentally, vowing never to be vulnerable to exploitation again. If only I could convey to her daughters, the collective affection we hold for her; she strives tirelessly to be the mother and grandmother they deserve.

Shanyce arrived with a boisterous spirit and a deep love for Jesus. Initially, she squandered her days in idle pursuits, but as she observed the positive transformations around her, a spark ignited within. Embracing belief, her life began to align in her favor. She mended ties with her children, emerged as a leader advocating for positive change, and embraced a healthier lifestyle. With each stride, she grew in stature and self-love, leaving no room for doubt that her past was behind her.

The potency of a collective desire for self-improvement is indescribable. It spreads fervently, uniting us in support and encouragement without judgment. We acknowledge our transgressions, seeking forgiveness from loved ones and victims alike, as we accept responsibility and endure our sentences.

In this place, the divine is palpable. Those who once doubted find solace in faith, turning to it for sustenance. The freedom to worship leads to bibles becoming cherished companions. While some may depart and leave their faith behind, others will carry a rekindled belief in Christ, steadfast and transformative. Many of these women will touch lives and guide others to divine grace. Hence, the provision of diverse religious materials in prisons is crucial in disseminating faith.

To transform oneself is to let go of yesterday. The transformed do not crave the validation of the trivial but take comfort in their beliefs. They are confident, for they empower each other. They are beautiful, individually crafted in the strength of their trials. Though confined, they find liberation, no longer subject to the scrutiny of onlookers. Loved so dearly and with the promise of forgiveness and a new life.

* Names have been altered for privacy.

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The Impact of Media Ideals on Personal Happiness

Have you ever pondered a world devoid of television, newspapers, and magazines? Imagine a life unswayed by the media’s fabricated images of perfection and success. If our realities were shaped solely by direct experiences, would the specter of depression still loom for chasing an unattainable ideal? The allure of a flawless existence—magnificent homes, celebrity, wealth, and aesthetic beauty—is a mirage perpetuated by the media. Such perfection is a myth, an unachievable standard that leaves us grappling with disillusionment. The truth is, every aspect of what we consume is curated, from the narratives of reality shows to the stories we follow.

In my younger years, I would envision my life as if it were a cinematic masterpiece, a seamless blend of fantasy and desire. With each passing phase, I endeavored to embody an unfeasible persona, and with it, happiness eluded me, for I was always in pursuit of the next unobtainable thing. Now, in moments of reflection, I recognize the countless experiences that slipped by—not for lack of presence, but because my heart and mind were elsewhere.

In the relentless pursuit of validation, we often become actors on the stage of life, performing for an audience we believe holds the key to our worth. This ceaseless striving to impress others can lead us to miss the genuine moments that make life truly rich. We are present, yet not fully—our minds preoccupied with crafting the perfect image, the right words, the most impressive achievements. It’s a chase that leaves us breathless, not from the exhilaration of living, but from the exhaustion of pretending.

The irony is profound: in seeking admiration, we overlook the simple joys that deserve our full attention. The laughter of loved ones, the quietude of a morning sunrise, the spontaneous conversations that meander into deep connections—all sacrificed at the altar of approval. It’s only when we pause the performance and step off the pedestal that we realize happiness was never in the applause. It was in the unscripted, imperfect, and beautiful moments of being truly ourselves, surrounded by those who cherish not the mask, but the authentic soul beneath it.

Life’s fleeting moments often slip past unnoticed as we chase the elusive narratives spun by the media. Now, as I sift through photos of my existence, I yearn to hold onto those memories a bit tighter. I seek to immerse myself once more in the warmth of Cancun’s sun, to be enveloped by the laughter that echoed across Cabo San Lucas’ sands, and to sway to the Caribbean rhythms that once guided us on the dance floor of a cruise ship. The roar of the crowd at sports arenas, the intimate melodies of guitar strings at concerts, and the serene whispers of mountain trails linger in my mind—their sounds as clear as the day they first resonated. I long for the days of wildflower hunts with my daughter, the tranquil strolls with my dogs by the river’s edge, and the Zambian sunsets, a canvas of fiery tranquility. These moments, vibrant and enduring, are the hues that should illustrate my life’s rich narrative.

I may not have a picture-perfect life, but my existence is not lacking; it is replete with a rich tapestry of locales, faces, and adventures that have graced my journey. As I gaze ahead, I eagerly anticipate the myriad of experiences the next half-century holds.

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Self-Acceptance

What they say about you has nothing to do with you.

Do you often find yourself affected by the perceptions of others, even if they are strangers? Just today, while strolling through my neighborhood, I paused at a corner, anticipating a car’s typical disregard for pedestrian right-of-way. Predictably, the driver gestured impatiently when I hesitated to cross. This brief interaction left me feeling inexplicably guilty, as if I had inconvenienced her somehow.

It is peculiar, isn’t it? The driver, a complete stranger, would likely pass unrecognized in any other setting, yet her fleeting disapproval weighed on me. This sensitivity to others’ opinions has long been a personal struggle, one that extends to friends, family, and even passersby. It is a challenge to feel at ease with oneself when constantly seeking approval.

However, I have been working on this issue. It requires deliberate self-affirmation and the realization that it’s not my duty to please everyone. As I continued my walk, I consciously dismissed the driver’s reaction from my mind. She moved on with her day without giving me another thought, and I decided to do the same.

Embracing this approach doesn’t mean ignoring my emotions; rather, it’s about managing them constructively. I chose to see the positive in the situation: the driver did stop, and I wasn’t in a rush. There is a certain sadness in living life so hurriedly. With a smile, I shifted my focus to the surrounding beauty, and by the block’s end, the incident was a distant memory.

Reflecting on similar experiences, I realize how often I have allowed others’ opinions to dictate my happiness. They continue on, oblivious, while I am left to grapple with the unnecessary distress. It’s a pattern I’m learning to break, one step at a time.